watching my brain freak out

Adam and I just started playing tennis together. I haven't really played since high school. But yesterday, we went for the second time to the courts near our house.

And at first, we just hit around. Taking turns, seeing how long we could keep it going. It was fun. I was doing well, able to make the ball go where I wanted it to. My serves were going in easily. My brain was happy. This is my speed - silly and fun.

But then, Adam suggested we play an actual game.

And my brain freaked out. I started looking at the courts around us (on both of which were high-level players getting lessons). They were better than me. I started noticing that Adam was looking over there too (probably because I was). Even he thinks they're better than me. My brain started running - I'm not good at games. I hate pressure. I haven't served in so many years (even though I was literally practicing my serves minutes ago).... on and on.

And he beat me Love-45 the first game (I scored no points). I was just relieved it was over.

When it was my turn to serve, I sat my brain down - we've got to pull this together. This can be fun. I can do this. The outcome doesn't matter. Let's just give this a try.

And I was up 45-Love when I started messing up my serve. My brain started saying you can't do this. You don't know what you're doing. This is embarrassing. And I couldn't shake it. Adam came back completely and won it.

It was so interesting. to watch my brain go into panic mode right before my eyes. And to realize - my tennis ability didn't change. Only my thoughts about it did. The added pressure and judgment sucked the fun right out of the game.

Our brains do this more often than we realize. Which makes it hard for us to see through our brain's stories. But it's not always right. So I've been trying to call it out - where is it sabotaging me? Because then I get to take my power back.