bad vs good
Our brain loves to label things. Good. Bad. Ugly. Beautiful. Our brain was created to make snap judgments. With all of the information we take in daily, our brain evolved to label things to make sense of the world.
But this can hinder us because we then inherently chase the good things and run away from the bad. We think that we're supposed to feel good all the time - that this is the goal of life. To be happy. To feel good. To be good.
But our brain was created to find problems. To look out for what could happen, to strategize and keep us safe at all times. It's default isn't happy. So we end up fighting against our own brain. "We shouldn't be this way. We should be feeling good."
When we add a layer of "should" to the mix - I should be farther along, I should be better at this, I should have done xyz, I should be happier - it makes it impossible for us to enjoy where we are because we're so focused on where we should be instead.
And then we beat ourselves up for not being further along, which just creates a viscous cycle that we get stuck in - "I'm not doing enough, I should be farther along, so I have to do more." Then when that doesn’t work, we beat ourselves up.
My clients talk to me about this all the time. I catch my brain in this thinking too. It's a natural human pattern. But we can retrain our brain. We don't have to continue fighting against it.
It all starts with the label - our brain deciding if something is good or bad. And then running away from and avoiding what we consider to be bad.
So I'd love for you to look at your past - what have you labeled as bad that turned out to be good? What felt awful back then that is now a blessing in your life? I'll give you some examples from mine:
losing my job 2 weeks before my wedding
my car dying and having to learn to drive Adam's car - a stick shift
living with a strict and disinterested family while studying abroad
having 4 jobs in 5 years
not getting into my first choice of sororities
the list goes on and on...
We want to break down these labels so that we can stop running from the bad. Because often we don't know if something is truly going to be good or bad. In the moment it might be painful, but it can end up being a blessing. That's what we're proving to your brain here.
Emotions work the same way. We avoid pain, anger, sadness. But when we do this, not only do these emotions just fester inside, but then we can't feel the good - the joy, happiness and pleasure - as deeply.
So what negative emotion have you been avoiding? What are you mad/sad/upset about that you think you shouldn't be?
How can you let yourself feel that?
I have one client who, after being let go, is cutting up some of his old company t-shirts to use as rags. I have another who routinely crushes coconuts on her driveway to get out her anger. Another client took time this week to cry in her closet, a place she feels safe. I've had clients write hate letters and burn them. Some of my clients scream in their car. One of my favorite ways is with this audio.
The list of possibilities is endless, but I promise you, you'll feel so good when you let it out in a productive way. Instead of snapping at your kids, your boss, your partner, your roommate.
Because when we stop running away from the bad, we can fully experience where we are right now. We can stop labeling ourselves as behind, not enough, lacking. We can stop beating ourselves up about where we should be instead.
And when you need help breaking the old habit of avoiding the bad, reach out. This is something I do with my clients all the time and I'd love to help.
